An unburdened childhood

“I want to do it differently” is the wish of many parents who themselves grew up in an emotionally challenging environment. Nothing confronts us more strongly with the conflicts of our family of origin than raising our own children, especially in stressful situations. Old patterns cannot simply be switched off by willpower. Systemic family therapist Carina Thiemann helps parents break this cycle.

What prompted you to engage so deeply with this topic?

CARINA THIEMANN — In my work as a family therapist, I have noticed that in some family histories – including my own – behavioural patterns and relationship dynamics run like a thread through generations and repeat themselves time and again. Even when parents made great efforts to guide their children with care and had a great deal of knowledge, they repeatedly found themselves falling short of their own expectations and values.

Why do patterns so often repeat across generations?
They are part of our emotional survival strategy. Children do not learn through words but through relationships – they unconsciously adopt attitudes, fears and ways of reacting. When these imprints remain unconscious, they act like an inner script. Change only begins when we recognise the pain that once made these patterns necessary and allow ourselves to choose new paths.

Why do stressful family situations often confront us directly with our own childhood?

CT — Children activate the same feelings we experienced back then – helplessness, shame, anger or powerlessness. In moments of stress, our nervous system falls back on old reaction patterns because it wants to restore a sense of safety quickly. That is why ordinary everyday situations can suddenly feel so threatening. When we learn to recognise that moment and pause briefly, we create space between stimulus and response – opening the door to conscious parenting and loving reactions.

What does “emotional baggage” actually mean, and how does it affect us?

CT — Emotional baggage consists of unresolved feelings, inner beliefs and behavioural patterns that we carry with us from our childhood. They are the voices that tell us how we must be in order to be loved: compliant, strong, well-behaved or unnoticed. This baggage influences how we respond to our children: whether we truly see them or unconsciously continue our own story through them. Children sense this baggage and take it on if we do not deal with it. Then they too struggle with unhelpful behavioural patterns such as excessive toughness, perfectionism or over-adaptation.

What are typical unconscious dynamics in families that lead to stress, conflict or withdrawal?

CT — In my book Kindheit ohne Gepäck (“Childhood Without Baggage”), I have outlined seven common behavioural patterns, including minimising – playing things down – and invalidating, which means completely dismissing someone’s feelings. These dynamics are particularly difficult because they shake a child’s sense of self-worth and basic trust. A child needs to experience: “I am okay, regardless of whether my behaviour is okay.” Such a psychologically safe culture around mistakes, and a supportive family atmosphere, provide the foundation for resilient, strong children who are able to face life’s challenges.

Punishment, shaming, emotional coldness – how can parents recognise such patterns?

CT — In family counselling, we sometimes smile about this question together with our clients when they realise: you recognise patterns when you look for them! Every family has its themes. Unfortunately, many people carry a deeply rooted “bravery wound” and believe they must manage everything on their own. In addition, particularly in German-speaking cultures, there is a deeply internalised expectation to remain silent. When we dare to talk about our problems, fears, worries and doubts, it becomes possible to recognise connections and break patterns.

What kinds of wounds can be mentioned as examples?

CT — The most common cyclebreaker wound is the bravery wound. With this wound, I believe I am not allowed to ask for help and must manage everything myself. Another example is the parentification wound, where a child had to take on too much responsibility at too early an age. Many parents today had to care for their younger siblings even though they were still children themselves. This often shows up later as a kind of “allergy” to responsibility. As a result, it can become difficult to care for my own children, because within me there is a defiant inner child still longing to be parented. When we learn to re-parent ourselves, it becomes possible to grow into a confident adult with strong emotional regulation.

How can people begin to break negative behavioural patterns?

CT — One way to start is by drawing a genogram – essentially a family tree – and reflecting on the life realities in which our ancestors lived, and which views of themselves, others and the world they may have passed down to us as a result. This often leads to remarkable “aha” moments. In Kindheit ohne Gepäck, I have explored how someone can become a cyclebreaker step by step. As a family therapist, I like to describe it as my “DIY store” of methods. In family counselling at Weltvonunten, we achieve remarkable results. You can start on your own, but you can also seek professional support.

How can someone navigate the delicate balance between setting boundaries and wanting to “close the chapter” with their family?

CT — There are no universal solutions, but there are helpful methods. If I find myself choosing between maintaining a difficult relationship with my family of origin or breaking contact entirely, a tetralemma can serve as a grounding tool. To do this, I place four sheets of paper on the floor labelled “the one” (for example breaking off contact), “the other” (maintaining contact), “both”, or “neither”. If you approach it purely rationally, it can feel confusing – but family matters are also about feelings. When I stand on these sheets, which we call ground anchors, and pause for a moment, unexpected insights often emerge. Simply give it a try – you have nothing to lose!

What is your most important message to parents who want to become cyclebreakers?

CT — Anyone who wants to learn to feel GOOD must learn to FEEL good. For generations, emotions were suppressed and dismissed as something for the weak. This makes our society unwell and cold. We need more gentle hearts that are willing to bring even difficult topics into conversation. The question is not: How do we make our children strong for a harsh world? Rather: How do we make our world softer for our children?

What everyday examples can you share?

CT — It begins with the way we speak to children. When a child makes a mistake, we do not say “It’s your own fault” or shame them; instead, we help them learn something from the mistake. We are so strongly conditioned to function that we regularly overstep not only our own boundaries but also those of our children. When we force them to try something. When we tell them they cannot go outside in their wellington boots, even though they want to. Again and again breaking their resistance. By questioning these situations, we put what we see as “normal” to the test and can leave behind old and unnecessary expectations.

Instead, I recommend turning to four guiding questions: Must this happen? Must this happen now? Must it happen in this way? Is there a playful way to approach it?

How does systemic family therapy help resolve emotional burdens from the past?

CT — Systemic family therapy makes visible what is hidden beneath the surface. It helps us understand the family system without assigning blame and opens new perspectives on old conflicts. Through methods such as genogram work, constellations or reflective questions, it becomes clear that while we are shaped by our past, we are not powerless. Together, we develop very concrete possibilities for action.

What would you like to say to mothers and fathers who feel: “I want to change something, but I don’t know how”?

CT — Every behaviour is always either a call for love or an expression of love – this applies to children just as much as to adults. We are allowed to assume good reasons for our actions, while at the same time not defining ourselves by them. There are ways and possibilities, and at Weltvonunten you will find inspiration and support.

About the person: Carina Thiemann is a systemic child, youth and family therapist. Among other roles, she has worked as an educator, social pedagogue and trauma educator. In 2021, she founded the company and Instagram channel “Weltvonunten”, which now has more than 100,000 followers. She lives with her family near Munich.