As you treat me, so I treat you.

Do siblings really fight that often? “Yes, that can certainly be the case,” says child, adolescent, and family psychologist Elisabeth Glauninger, “but that does not mean that something is wrong within the family. Quite the opposite: dealing with conflict reflects real life and is an important practice field for children. Here, they learn to express their needs, set boundaries, and respect others.” In this sense, a parental desire for constant harmony can actually miss the point. Jealousy, competition, boredom, or simply different ideas about how to play together – all of this can quickly spark a conflict. “The trigger itself doesn’t have to be wrong at all. Childhood prepares us for life, and friction is simply part of it,” the expert explains. “This is how key skills such as emotional regulation, frustration tolerance, and social interaction are developed.”

Conflict culture – Conversations about sibling conflict are a recurring topic in Glauninger’s practice, because at their core, they are about the rules by which conflicts are handled. This is precisely where parents come into play. They model conflict culture and are also the ones who can provide guidance when needed. So how should parents respond when things get really heated between siblings. “Don’t intervene immediately, but observe carefully whether the children can resolve the situation themselves,” Glauninger recommends. Age makes a significant difference here: you cannot expect the same conflict-management skills from a toddler as from a school-aged child. Being able to put feelings and needs into words depends, among other things, on general language development. Appropriately expressing one’s own often intense emotions also requires well-developed emotional regulation skills – for example, naming and de-escalating experienced anger. Parents act as role models and supporters by demonstrating alternative behaviors: words instead of wrestling, compromises instead of forcing one’s way through. These are small steps on the path toward greater empathy and prosocial behavior.

A learning field – “It’s not about avoiding conflicts, but about giving children the tools to deal with them,” the expert explains. Even saying “I’m angry right now” already represents an important developmental step. Shared rules about which behaviors are acceptable in a conflict and which are absolutely off-limits create a safe framework in which children can experiment and grow. Another key principle applies: “When children learn to find their own ways of resolving conflicts, it must not come at the expense of the weaker one.” Phrases like “the stronger one wins” or “the smarter one gives in” are not helpful guidelines. Not only younger children need protection, but older ones as well – for example, when a younger brother repeatedly knocks over his older sister’s Lego tower, or a younger sister constantly hides her big brother’s things just to annoy him. “Consideration must be learned and practiced on both sides.” Dealing with emotions plays a central role in everyday life overall. “Frustrations from school or conflicts in friendships often discharge directly within the sibling relationship. Feelings need space. All emotions may and should have room. But not every way of expressing them is acceptable.”

A healthy relationship also needs distance. In addition to shared activities and togetherness, it is especially important to perceive each child as an individual and to appreciate their individual strengths, says Glauninger. Parental comparisons – for example based solely on performance, grades, or achievements – can further fuel rivalry between siblings. Being able to pursue one’s own interests is part of healthy personality development. Rituals and shared activities, on the other hand, strengthen togetherness in everyday life, without staging or pressure. They create opportunities for everyone to contribute – whether through baking together or playing a cooperative game.

No referees – Sibling conflict is not a problem that needs to be eliminated, but a valuable learning opportunity. With observation, clear rules, appreciation, and space for individuality, parents can guide their children – and gain more calm themselves in the process. Those who view conflict as a learning opportunity prepare their children for strong relationships, now and in the future. The goal is not for children to never argue, but for them to learn how to resolve conflicts constructively, develop empathy, and unfold their personalities. “We are preparing them for life – and friction is part of that. Anyone who learns to deal with conflict will cope better later on, even beyond the family.” Developing sensitivity to what someone needs in a given moment – “that is empathy, which we also need outside the family and practice within it. How we treat one another, how we make others happy, how we apologize – the family is a learning space for all of this. There are so many opportunities for social behavior. The key question is: Is fairness giving everyone the same thing? Or is fairness giving everyone what they need? Consideration is essential, as is clearly communicating one’s own needs. Parents don’t have to be referees, but attentive observers. Conflict management is a form of social competence rooted in emotional competence.”