Lies Don’t Get Far – Or Do They?

Why do children start to lie? - That’s part of child development. From around the age of two to about four, children can be observed fibbing during role play or when telling fantastical stories. However, these are not intentional lies or acts of deception. In the so-called magical-animistic phase of development, imagination and reality blend together. The invisible friend, for instance, is completely real to the child.

How does that change as they grow older? - Between the ages of four and eight, children begin to use small untruths to gain little advantages for themselves. However, they usually cannot maintain these fibs for long — they start to giggle or accidentally let the truth slip out.

When does it become deliberate lie, and what does that require? - A deliberate lie requires a number of abilities. Lying demands intelligence, creativity, verbal expression skills, and the capacity to construct coherent and believable stories. In addition, a child must know what seems credible and must be able to remember the invented content for some time. Four-year-olds often quickly forget that they’ve told a fib.
This also involves the theory of mind — the ability to mentalize. It allows the child to put themselves in another person’s position and to anticipate how a particular statement might affect that person.

What motivates older children and teenagers to bend the truth? - There are different reasons: fear of getting into trouble, of someone’s reaction, or of punishment. At school, children may lie to gain recognition, to annoy someone, or to secure a personal advantage. These are conscious actions. And then there is the so-called white lie.

What is meant by a “white lie”? - It means withholding the truth or not telling it in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. For example, when a child receives an ugly pair of socks from their grandmother but still says they’re happy about them.

How should such a lie be viewed? - It’s a socially adapted form of lying — but at the end of the day, it’s still a lie. A white lie requires empathy and a certain level of social competence. Grandma would be hurt if the child told the truth, so the child shows consideration. Nevertheless, parents must decide for themselves whether they prefer their children to be completely honest or to sometimes use such considerate untruths.

Should one always expose lies whenever possible? - When fantasy and reality still merge, that doesn’t make sense. However, it’s possible to bring a certain reality check into the conversation. If a kindergarten child says it started snowing in the group room, an appropriate response would be: “It would be great if that were possible. Normally, snow only falls outside.” When the child is older, threats, scolding, or punishment are the most ineffective reactions to a lie. It’s much more important to find out why the child felt the need to fib.For example: The child claims to have done all the homework and goes out to play. Later, the mother finds out that this wasn’t true. The child lied out of fear of the reaction, but what it really wanted was to go outside. Allowing some flexibility can help: agreeing that the child can first play outside and do homework a bit later removes the need to lie.

How should parents react appropriately when they uncover a lie? - Reactions like “I can never rely on you. I’m so disappointed in you.” are not helpful — they hurt the child’s self-esteem. A respectful exchange encourages everyone to stick to the truth. This also means that the child learns that honesty won’t be punished. Lies shouldn’t be discussed in front of friends or strangers, but privately in a trusting environment. And again, it’s important to reflect with the child on why the lie seemed necessary.

What role does parental example play when it comes to honesty? - It’s of course important to reflect on one’s own approach to the topic. Adults fib several times a day, often in socially acceptable ways. But they’re still lies. Parents also often lie to avoid conflict — children notice that. Under no circumstances should children be encouraged to lie. It’s also important to critically question one’s own expectations — for example, that a child should never lie. Fundamentally, it’s not about striving for perfection in everything, but rather about considering what could be done differently next time.

Where is the boundary to increasingly problematic behavior? - If behaviors are very unusual and disturbing for the child’s developmental stage, if the child harms others, endangers others, or even commits criminal acts, then psychological or psychotherapeutic support should be sought, because a certain internal regulation no longer seems to work.

How can a trusting and honest relationship within the family be encouraged? - Not every fib automatically means a loss of trust. When children realize that lying tends to bring more disadvantages than advantages in the long run, their behavior usually changes on its own. The goal is an honest, trusting relationship — just like the foundation of a successful luxury family vacation, where shared values and genuine closeness take center stage.

How should one deal with lies that are discovered late? - Naturally, the irritation will be greater — and that’s okay. But strong parental reactions or accusations alone will not lead to any learning effect in children or adolescents. It’s much more helpful to show them that it’s worth being honest — and that it’s okay to admit mistakes without having to fear consequences.