Being parents, staying partners

Nurture and Strengthen - Can couples prepare for the transition from partners to parents?Romy Winter: Yes and no. No, because parenthood is not something that can be fully planned or predicted. And yet, certain developments can be managed through early conversations. Many couples tell me they underestimated the changes and the impact on their relationship. On one hand, a child brings a couple closer together. On the other hand, there’s a real danger of growing apart due to lack of together time, new arguments, and different worlds. What often backfires is, first, not having talked about expectations in advance. And second, interpreting temporary imbalance in the relationship not as a normal side effect, but as a clear sign that the couple is failing. I don’t believe this education should be a purely private matter. Birth preparation courses would be a great opportunity to invite couples to explore these changes together.

Overwhelm, stress, a tightly scheduled daily life – how can couples deal with these challenges?
Romy Winter: Especially in early parenthood, couples often struggle with exhaustion and multiple responsibilities, making even small things feel overwhelming. Postpartum fatigue can linger—especially for mothers—for years. That leaves little energy for nurturing the relationship, a task that still often falls to women. Couples miss each other even though they see each other every day. Society expects parents to thrive in their new roles immediately, but psychologically, it’s a transition that involves loss and grief. Few dare to speak openly about their mixed feelings, which can put further strain on the relationship. Conflict can also arise from new role divisions and differing parenting or value systems. Research shows that couples who stay in active communication have longer, more fulfilling relationshi

What does it take to keep a relationship from being shaken to its core?
Romy Winter: First, accepting that some degree of disruption is normal. Not every problem needs to be solved immediately. Couples shouldn’t blame each other for being overwhelmed. Seeing yourselves as teammates instead of rivals makes things easier. We are romantic partners, everyday buddies, and parents. Unfortunately, the romantic part is often the first to be neglected—yet it’s the one that gives us the most. Small gestures can help prevent bigger rifts. A daily loving hug and a “I see you” can carry you through dry spells. Still, when we talk about the foundation of a relationship, it’s clear: there is no “we” without an “I.” I can’t blame my partner for everything that’s going wrong. Only I am responsible for my needs. If I’m not doing well, it’s not just because of the relationship. Sadly, many people realize that too late.

What are warning signs in a relationship that couples should watch for?
Romy Winter: A clear warning sign is deliberately avoiding each other or preferring to stay in the child’s bed during bedtime just to skip couple time. This often happens unconsciously. But I hear from couples that they intentionally stay longer with the kids to avoid time alone together. A prolonged drop in communication is definitely a red flag—also frequent misunderstandings, escalating arguments, loss of emotional and physical closeness, feelings of indifference or resignation, seeking closeness or validation elsewhere, negative thought patterns about your partner, loss of trust, and increasing control. Couples who regularly check in with each other about their relationship are more likely to notice growing dissatisfaction in time.

How can couples prevent losing each other in everyday life?
Romy Winter: There’s no universal formula, but it helps to reminisce and to dream together about the future. A mindful good morning, a genuine “How can I support you?”, a kiss between laundry loads, a phone-free weekend—small gestures of appreciation go a long way. Romance between parents works differently. If one person feels sad that intimacy has become a side issue, it’s more healing to acknowledge that pain rather than dismiss it. Instead of waiting to go on a world trip again, try to find a mini version of shared adventures—like a weekend getaway or short break, ideally without the kids. As a couple, you have to find the right balance: neither postponing everything nor thinking you can have it all at once.

More Balance Between “We” and “Me”

“There will always be phases in parenthood that are exhausting and demanding. Times when we’re unable to take care of ourselves and our needs—because life’s rollercoaster is doing loops and we’re just trying not to throw up,” says Romy Winter. “That’s okay—but it shouldn’t become the norm.” What helps maintain balance between “couple and family-we” and “I”:

- Learn about needs and gain clarity about your own

- Take full responsibility for your own needs

- Establish regular self-care rituals

- Communicate openly about expectations and desires

- Set boundaries and learn to say “no”

- Nurture personal time and hobbies

- Make time for reflection

- Seek professional support if needed

- Maintain friendships and other social connections

- Pursue personal growth goals